Friday December 19 2014 Hi !
I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the
So Batman came up to me & he hit me over the head with a vase & he went
I said "Don't you mean KAPOW??
He said "No, I've got china in my hand."
I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet
'Best Before End'
So I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said "Analogue."
I said "No, just a watch."
I went into a shop and I said, "Can someone sell me a kettle."
The bloke said "Kenwood"
I said, "Where is he?"
So I went in to a pet shop. I said, "Can I buy a goldfish?"
The guy said, "Do you want an aquarium?" I said, "I don't care what
star sign it is."
I was in this restaurant and I asked for something herby.
They gave me a Volkswagen with no driver.
My mate is in love with two schoolbags.
I went to the doctor. I said to him "I'm frightened of lapels."
He said, "You've got cholera."
So I met the bloke who invented crosswords today.
I can't remember his name, it's P something T something R.
I was reading this book today, The History Of Glue, and I couldn't put it down.
I phoned the local ramblers club today, and this bloke just went on and
My mate asked me "What do you think of voluntary work??
I said "I wouldn't do it if you paid me."
So I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener.
I said, "You don't need a tin opener to peel a banana."
He said, "No, this is for the custard."
This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin
He said, "I want you to trace someone for me."
So this lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins.
It was a turtle disaster.
So I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley.
She said "Tenpin?"
I said, "No, it's a permanent job."
So I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre.
She said, "Are you having me on?"
I said, "Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you anything."
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More about the humour category
This is our lighthearted section, with tidbits of fun, humour and jokes, guaranteed (probably) to make you smile. Don't forget to also visit our dedicated humour site at 1 minute moment and our collection of humour and joke books.
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