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some very bad puns... Monday, 29/01/2007 by nik

...like this: I bought a train ticket and the driver said "Eurostar" I said "Well I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin"

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I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the
splits.
He said, "How flexible are you?"
I said, "I can't make Tuesdays or Thursdays."


So Batman came up to me & he hit me over the head with a vase & he went
T'PAU!
 I said "Don't you mean KAPOW??
 He said "No, I've got china in my hand."

I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet
'Best Before End'

So I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said "Analogue."
I said "No, just a watch."

 I went into a shop and I said, "Can someone sell me a kettle."
 The bloke said "Kenwood"
 I said, "Where is he?"

So I went in to a pet shop. I said, "Can I buy a goldfish?"
The guy  said, "Do you want an aquarium?" I said, "I don't care what
star sign it is."

 I was in this restaurant and I asked for something herby.
 They gave me a Volkswagen with no driver.

 My mate is in love with two schoolbags.
 He's bisatchel.

I went to the doctor. I said to him "I'm frightened of lapels."
He said, "You've got cholera."


So I met the bloke who invented crosswords today.
I can't remember his name, it's P something T something R.


I was reading this book today, The History Of Glue, and I couldn't put it down.


I phoned the local ramblers club today, and this bloke just went on and
on


My mate asked me "What do you think of voluntary work??
I said "I wouldn't do it if you paid me."


So I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener.
I said, "You don't need a tin opener to peel a banana."
He said, "No, this is for the custard."

This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin
paper.
He said, "I want you to trace someone for me."


So this lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins.
It was a turtle disaster.

So I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley.
She said "Tenpin?"
I said, "No, it's a permanent job."

So I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre.
She said, "Are you having me on?"
I said, "Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you anything."

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More about the  humour category

This is our lighthearted section, with tidbits of fun, humour and jokes, guaranteed (probably) to make you smile. Don't forget to also visit our dedicated humour site at 1 minute moment and our collection of humour and joke books.

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